One of the most painful things I’ve found after my recurrent miscarriages has been people’s reactions, responses and choice of words! As I said previously, this post is not aimed at anyone in particular so if you are reading this and know me, please don’t take offence. This is just my real, open and honest account of my journey so far. The last thing I want people to do is to act differently around me.
I consider myself to be a fairly emotionally intelligent woman. I understand miscarriage is a very difficult topic for many people. But all I will say is, imagine how difficult it can be for the people who are going through a the miscarriage/loss of a baby. Just try to be kind and gentle and most importantly be considerate! If you are a person who struggles with this; just a simple suggestion, imagine being in that person’s shoes and think before saying anything. Something this journey has taught me is you never know what a person is going through, a life skill I now feel I have added to my bow. Good things can come out of a bad situation!😝
Having to witness people’s responses/actions has been one of the darkest and hardest challenges I’ve ever faced! Everyday, miscarriage is on my mind and it never leaves me like a dark storm cloud! I’m still chasing our rainbow 🌈
The physical pain of a miscarriage is extremely overwhelming and can be soul destroying.
“Is my body capable of carrying a baby?” That is the question I always ask myself but no one is able to answer that and It is incredibly hard to cope with at times.
Unless you have been through this type of loss it is very hard to imagine, I understand that. We all have our thoughts, opinions and reactions about various situations in life. Which In my opinion is human nature. It builds our characters and personalities and makes us who we are! However, I have had a lot of remarks from people, that to be completely honest have at times shock me to my core.
The idea of this blog is to gently raise awareness and suggest ways how you can help someone you know going through loss of a baby. It also enables me to have my say and help me continue to move forward on my journey to hopefully….. motherhood! Writing is also is a great way of expressing my emotions. It’s a great coping mechanism and helps me with my anxiety and stress. I refer to it as ‘release writing’.
The emotional pain of a miscarriage has been a lot harder for me to come to terms with than I would have ever imagined. If you know someone who is going through this kind of loss, please think before you speak.
I consider the following words to be much kinder, gentler and most importantly considerate to those people suffering any kind loss.
1 Be kind and try and show as much empathy as you can manage (some people find this one tricky!)
2. Give a hug if you feel comfortable doing so.
3. Just listen.
4. Let that person know you are thinking of them (tell them that!) Sometimes just say it!!
Things to avoid…
1. Telling the person that has experienced a miscarriage, they will definitely be a mum! Uncertainty is part of life, no one knows what is around the corner. It’s probably said with love and good intent, but it is just not what is needed and not factual so therefore doesn’t help!
2. Tell them it wasn’t meant to be. (Just not helpful at all)
3. Sending a friend who has experienced Pregnancy loss your own scan picture of your pregnancy. I’m still shocked how people just don’t think! People need a filter but unfortunately it is not a skill many people learn in life.
4. Talking about other horrific miscarriage stories or even mention stillbirths you have heard of. This one just scares the living daylights out of me. The thought that next time I could go further along in my pregnancy and something worse than what I have experienced could happen! Talk about something else!
5. Don’t Offer to carry a baby for them, it is not helpful! I desire to hold my own baby that I’ve carried to term and I think a lot of women would say the same! It’s only different if a someone brings up the subject that they are looking for a surrogate. Otherwise! Not a good move to mention. Do not ask if they would adopt either! These comments I feel can come across as incredibly intrusive! It comes back again to being kind and considerate, and if you love that person you don’t want to come across like your not.
6. Do not ignore the person, even if you say nothing but “I’m sorry”. Silence can be devastating too! Who wants an elephant in the room! In this case silence is never golden. Just say something! K*I*S (keep it simple)
7. Ask them what their plan B is, it is not helpful. Anyone who has experienced grief understands and probably knows grief is a tough pill to swallow. Most of the time there isn’t a plan B. It’s just about riding the waves! Some days they are small waves, other days great huge waves! Plan b isn’t often on the agenda!
Some of these I have personally experienced, occasionally more than once, would you believe! I think there could be a simple message for anyone who knows someone going through loss! K*I*S (keep it simple)
At times I have experienced a lot more unhelpful comments than helpful ones. This I’m totally sure was never the intent! That’s why I wanted to do a blog on this topic. Stop, think and be considerate is totally and always necessary! On a positive note, I do have some beautiful supportive people in my life, the ones I consider to be emotionally intelligent with a lot of empathy. But it still seems to me people don’t know how to how to address the situation.
I think it’s sad, that with social media, and all our technology people seem to only share and promote all the good stuff. When it comes to a difficult topic such a miscarriage/grief it seems there’s a lack of education and even more to the point, a lack of coping strategies. Although I think the NHS is now offering a lot more care with mental health these days which is great! In my opinion, ones mental health does suffer after a traumatic time such as miscarriage. CBT is definitely something that has helped me through, and given me the tools in my box to help cope when I feel overwhelmed or stressed.
I hope in the future miscarriage will be talked about more because I feel it is still a taboo subject.
I wish you fellow rainbow 🌈 chasers reading this , lots of luck and babydust.