Rainbow baby 🌈

As I write this I have 1 week to go until I birth our rainbow baby girl. 🌈 I feel incredibly lucky, happy and I still have to pinch myself regularly as I can’t believe my dream is hopefully going to come true.

We had our first round of IVF at the end of November 2020 but unfortunately we found out it was unsuccessful a week before Christmas. After the disappointment of the IVF we decided to look for a new house which occupied our minds. On the 11th January 2021 I found out I was pregnant and it was totally natural. My period was late and my husband asked “are you going to do a pregnancy test?” I said, “I can’t be bothered!” In the end my husband persuaded me to do the test but I could not wait to look at he result so he did. I heard a yelp of joy, “OMG, we are pregnant!”

The irony was we lost our beloved furry girl (our cat Poppy) on 4th January, the week before. The last thing I said to her before she left this world was “please leave me a baby, its the only thing that will help my grief of losing you” At times I thought we would never get to this point again, which was an agonising familiar thought of mine. I must admit at the time I obviously hoped this baby (eighth time lucky) would stick and stick like glue, but I remember for many weeks almost waiting for the dark cloud to linger over us again. We got past the 7 week hurdle, then 8, 9 and 10. That beautiful heartbeat was still there at 12 weeks, we had never got this far! Sadly the excitement was tainted and didn’t last long before the anxiety would set in again. People always celebrate the 12 week mark but we were never really able to have piece of mind. Looking back I feel a little sad about that.

For this pregnancy I started blood thinners (Fragmin) aspirin and progesterone from the day of our  positive test. Having to use the drugs was all very daunting but my hubby and I coped and remained fairly calm. But believe me there were many difficult days filled with worry and guilt. We focused on the next scan and after each one we were  feeling good, but that feeling was short lived and we go back to feeling anxious until the next. We lived like this up till about 20 weeks. We would always feel guilty for talking about the pregnancy or buying the odd item for the baby. I felt we were too presumptuous almost and I often would break down and cry after doing these things! It was a difficult time looking back. We went for a 16 week private scan and we were told all was looking good, another amazing day after many turbulent traumatic days in our 4 year fertility journey. We were told I was carrying a girl💗 but just to be pregnant with a baby was all that mattered to us. Although up until that point we were convinced I was carrying a boy. It was a wonderful day and it was actually on my 38th birthday so two reasons to celebrate.

I think reaching 20 weeks for me was the biggest hurdle. I remember thinking maybe she’s here to stay? Feeling happy and then occasionally panicking. I learnt and accepted that was all part of a self preservation I had in the past become so familiar with. Throughout this pregnancy, I have loved watching my bump grow and feel our rainbow girl moving and kicking in my tummy. It’s the most wonderful feeling that has been  so long awaited for, it feels even more precious. I never take it for granted and have enjoyed each kick and move day by day week by week. Learning to not look too far ahead has helped me heal and relax more. I must say once I felt her movements start around 20 weeks that in its self is the best reassurance ever.

At 38 weeks now, a level of anxiety still remains with us both. With Covid and not having the vaccine yet, trying to be careful and the general uncertainty pregnancy brings. Until shes here, and delivered I will not breath a sigh of relief just yet. I except that the parenthood journey will bring many other worries. I feel strong as it feels like nothing can be harder than the last 4 years of dark clouds regularly coming over us both. Anyone who is going through baby loss, you are not alone and never give up hope, my hubby and I could of quit trying many a time. Keep chasing your rainbow. Seek the right support, talk about it and be kind to yourself.  I wish you all the luck, care and love in the world 🍀🌈

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