” I would of been 12 weeks ” instead the grief is very real.

I’m sitting here in my sunny garden during the covid 19 pandemic. I have been off work for nearly 4 weeks now and my miscarriage was just under 4 weeks ago. With being self employed, having no income and experiencing grief, things are kind of chaotic in my world! I have been trying to keep myself focused and busy, so I dusted my running shoes off. I’m determined to loose a bit of weight and get fitter and less breathless when I bend down to paint my toe nails lol šŸ˜‚

I have been feeling very low emotionally and I need a little pick me up! I can’t go out and spend money and the few things I’ve wanted to buy online have sold out, I think because people are staying home and online shopping. So…… What can I do I thought! Start working on my mental health that has taken a massive bashing over the last 2 and half years, with our constant miscarriage trauma. I think its important to try and find something that brings positivity under our current difficult situation. That sounds bad, as I’m very lucky and grateful for so many things, but a little fitness may boost my thoughts creating more good than bad days.

I have been thinking about tomorrow, which would of marked 12 weeks in our pregnancy! Our “safe haven”, that wasn’t meant to be. We have never got that far in any of our pregnancies! I think society goes on about the 12 week mark,the time when it’s acceptable to announce pregnancy, although this has no bearing on anything I have learnt.

But what happens for woman like myself , who have never got that far? Who haven’t experienced that happy occasion?

It’s a huge question I constantly ask myself! Does it really matter when I announce my supposedly happy news? So it’s very difficult, your grieving and desperately want to be able to get to that safe haven and when that doesn’t happen I am left feeling empty and I have to grieve in silence. No one knew, so therefore it didn’t count! I have to continue to put a happy face on, which is nearly impossible after experiencing such loss. I’m not sure what the answer is! Moving forward I’m not sure how to be, like I’ve lost my way a bit! I’m stunned like a rabbit in headlights.

I feel that from the minute I found out each time I was expecting, it was very real and we were going to be parents. To have that taken from us so many times is mentally shattering. I’m not sure it matters whether you keep it quiet for the first 3 months or not?!

My experience has been very tough. After each pregnancy loss I have struggled with intrusive questions asked by other humans. Especially as I am a married woman of nearly 3 years, the expectation on me to procreate seems constant! After losing my babies I think I might as well of told people I was pregnant, and then maybe people would be more gentle and more considerate when mentioning the fertility topic with me.

On the whole I think it is human nature for people to pile on expectation on one another! My experience has been very painful and a constant reminder of how I haven’t been able to successfully carry our baby yet!

Pregnancy loss is still very taboo!

As a society I feel we all conditioned to keep a pregnancy private until 12 weeks? But what happens when you don’t get there?

Is there a right or wrong way?

Chasing šŸŒˆ

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