6th miscarriage, the trauma intensifys.

It’s Sunday 22nd march 2020. Mother’s Day in the uk. As I lay here having my 6th MC in 2.5 years! The closest I seem to get to being a mum is 7 weeks! The pain this time seems much more intense!

We had HCG bloodwork and scans each week from week 4. Our consultant is so supportive and an amazing lady. We had 5 scans in total up to 8 weeks. Everything seemed to be progressing well until week 8 , when our world stood still again! The heartbeat had stopped, not long after our 7 week scan,we were told! 7 weeks seems to be an issue for us! Our 3rd missed miscarriage hit us like a massive high speed train , I feel like it has troubled me mentally and bruised my whole body, and left me aching all over!

I was on prednisolone, progesterone,aspirin 75mg from ovulation this pregnancy with a 87% chance the drug plan would work! That wasn’t the case for us. From week 6 I was also injecting fragmin into my tummy every night at 7pm! I’m laying here thinking what more could I of done! Nothing, I know is the answer! I was fairly calm under the circumstances of being a reacurrant miscarriage victim, I ate well, was drinking 2.5L of water a day. Resting where I could, not working so hard, meditating lots! Most importantly I trusted and was sure this pregnancy was going to be a success! I had bought 2 maternity dresses this time, a swimsuit for our summer holiday and a lovely pair of baby rainbow pjs which I hoped to put our rainbow ๐ŸŒˆ baby in, in Oct 2020! All as an act of positive visualisation, which I no longer have faith in! Moving forward now, non of this stuff makes any difference is a lesson I’ve learnt.

The trauma intensifys! Covid 19 is threatening the world at the moment. It’s a scary time for all humans! I have to isolate for a while, up to a month as I have asthma and the steriods have put my immune at a very low point, which makes me high risk. All our trips , meals out and holidays on hold! Which under the circumstances doesn’t really matter , but now we’ve lost our 6th pregnancy , we are left with nothing to look forward to! I feel very low, sad, dissapointed and angry! So many unanswered painful questions rack my brain!

Why us?

Why do some couples have such easy unplanned pregnancies?

It’s mothers Day, am I ever going to be a mum?

Why can’t we get past 7 week heartbeat?

Why are we being tested to the freaking max?

How long will it take us to fall again?

Will it ever work out for us?

I had two lots ,12 hours apart of the misoprostol drug. A drug I’m now fairly familiar with unfortunately. This drug softens the cervix and you loose your baby in a very traumatic way mentally! It’s a incredibly hard thing to go through once, we’ve lost our dream this way 3 times now! Nothing prepares you for this. Again no one ever really talks about it either!

The hardest position I’m in now, is because no one really knew we were expecting! I feel I have to grieve in silence and this prospect is incredibly hard to deal with. I almost feel I have to put my happy joker face (I call it) on and present myself to the world as I did before. It has been 6 months since our 5th MC and I had just got myself mentally well again, countless therapy sessions, meditating twice everyday , reflexology. Now im back here, I have lost my trust in my body and am shattered emotionally and mentally on so many levels!

LIFE CAN BE SO UNFAIR!

25th march …I feel very angry and overwhelmed today, I would of been 9 weeks pregnant, instead I passed our pregnancy 4 days ago and am feeling low, sad and empty. With this virus causing a stay at home society, we are on lockdown. We have to stay within our house holds for up to 3 weeks and practise social distancing, one silver lining I guess, under my circumstance. The thought of facing people overwhelms me. I hoped to be showing a bump of soon! Instead , will that ever happen!? I’m off work now for a month and a 2 m distance rule is in place , gives me some well deserved time!! This month gives me time to clear my head, get fitter and I have to wean off the steroids, which is making me feel crazed!I have to reduce by 5mg every 4 days! I just want to eat naughty ,sugary foods and stuff my face. I know it won’t help so I’m trying to avoid. I am trying to accept I am grieving and have just lost our 6th pregnancy, nothing eases this intense traumatic time, not even a good old bar if whole nut! With no finish line in the near distance, I feel completely terrified and empty. With all our 2020 holiday/ resto / mini break plans in tatters to this virus, I am struggling as we just have nothing to look forward to. Not even how I hoped to give birth to our rainbow in October! It’s such uncertain times as if it wasn’t for us before, now the whole country is up in the air.

My days are still spent Chasing my rainbow ๐ŸŒˆ

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